Finding your way back to you

I feel like my soul searching journey started from a very young age……

As a child, I always followed what felt was my intuition or passions and love for things. I think from birth we are born with a strong intuative power. That power feels like a feeling of joy or tremendous passion towards something or someone.

As children we dream and try to follow this inner energy. We create visions in our minds and a deep faith that one day you will achieve, conquer, or attain that which is your desire. Without really knowing that these is the key to creating your reality.

With that in mind, now as an adult as I continued that soul searching journey I started to gain more clarity as to what finding ourselves really meant. I think that along the journey of birth, childhood, adolescence and into adulthood we get a little lost….

You are probably wondering, well how do we find our way back to our selves our innate self, our deep intuition. Which now I know is what most of us are seeking….

It’s inner peace, it’s true unconditional happiness.

We have to start by listening to our thoughts and feelings.

A few years ago when I was pregnant with my 3rd child I knew that I wanted to experience a more wholesome birth experience, more natural and spiritual. I was exercising a lot, eating healthy and I started to look into natural births without medications. I began the journey of learning and exploring ways to achieve that. My body was seeking my own intuitive , human nature energy to get me through the pain of birth. With my first two births I was young and naive and I didn’t know any better. I knew with this 3rd baby that I needed that experience my body was asking me to find ways to achieve that no matter how hard it may seem. I began to listen to my wants and needs. My inner drives and passions.

I could have ignored the inner urge to explore natural births, to follow logic which is to avoid pain, receive something for pain. Don’t get me wrong, I have no judgements of the decisions others parents make that is right for them. I know that what felt right for me brings me a sense of peace and it was to have a natural birth as long as there were no complications.

You are probably wondering what does my pregnancies have to do with finding myself.

For me, it allowed me to become more awake and aware of my body and my feelings. To no longer disregard my feelings and those desires or pulling sensations, and to accept them as signs of where I need to go and decisions that I should make.

I can see where indecisiveness comes from. We start to doubt ourselves. We become so used to doubting ourselves that we make it into a habit.

The after math of all those years of ignoring our feelings, our energy, pulling sensations, gut feelings, desires, dreams…. We start to feel a sense of something is missing in our lives.

And then what do we do you may ask? ….

We start to search for meaning outside of ourselves. For example, we may start saying things like … If only I found someone that loves me, or if only I was married, or if only I had children or if only I had a better job or if only I had more money or if only I lived somewhere else…. If only, if only, if only….

The truth is….

The searching is not to come from outside of ourselves but from inside of ourselves.

Fast forward to my fourth pregnancy I desired the natural birth once again but I was feeling an urge to explore prenatal yoga from the very beginning of the pregnancy.

I will write my pregnancy stories is another blog. But all I can tell you is that because I listened to what that inner energy was asking of me I ended up having the most amazing pregnancies and births.

A couple of years after the births of my last 2 girls I started to ask myself a lot of questions. (Which I know many parents tend to do )

Am I being the best version of myself I can be ? Am I being a good mother, good wife ? If I were to leave the earth today how will I be remembered by my loved ones…. my husband, My kids…

That last question in a way it hunted me , it touched a very deep place in my heart. I know it did because after contemplating on that question, I started to experience multiple vivid dreams where I was faced with my last moments before death. In my dream I could feel what felt like the end of my life. I was confronted face to face with my worst fear, death.

Those moments marked the beginning of my journey. The question, of how can I be a better version of myself so my kids can be proud of the mom they had as they were growing up. … Those questions into the universe opened a door and started to reveal the answers through online Inspirational videos of the mind.

I then found a video on you tube by fearless soul that discussed the best 10 books I should read at some point in my lifetime.

I knew that I always loved to read a good book but I seemed to take forever to finish them. And now with multiple kids in my life it made it that more challenging to find the time to read…. I know that If I truly want something you find a way to make the time.  But I guess i had not find enough inspiration to sit for ours and finish a book.

In that moment I made a commitment that I wanted to read at least the #1 book in that video which was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Not too long before I came across this video I watched a video by Jay Shetty that discussed how he read one book a day for a whole year. I was impressed. But I was hopeful that if he could read that many books in one year so could I. He expressed that sometimes you don’t have to read the entire front to back of book to accomplish the idea of the book. You can skim a book in order to get the main points.

I searched for that book on Amazon and found the audio version, a free trial. My thoughts were, I can get the book for free so why not try it. So I did…

After listening to the audio book there was no turning back… I was hooked. It spiraled from there. My soul searching was filled with new ideas, experiences from all different kinds of authors.

For the past few years I have listened to over 40 books and I have read a few other ones as well.

I have learned so much about myself in these last few years.

Once I made the decision that some things needed to change. I knew that I was raised in a house where people yelled and there was not very good communication. I was yelling to my kids when I would get frustrated. You are probably thinking
…. You are frustrated you have the right to get upset and raise your voice….

I know that I didn’t like the person that I am when I yell at my kids. It does not feel good for them or me. So I needed to change. I didn’t want it to be too late or regret anything at least because I didn’t even try to become better. I want to always work on being the best version of myself , so I would not have any regrets if I were to leave this Earth.

I now continue a daily practice of spirituality, becoming mindful, inner peace, a sense of gratefulness, love for myself, forgiveness for my mistakes and acknowledgement that we are the only thing we can change and control in our lives. That our thoughts and attitudes impact our reality.

I wish for anyone reading this …. That wherever you are in your soul searching journey…… That maybe reading this can direct you into the right direction. And know that everything that comes your way is there for a reason. Whether that reason is you asking the universe for the answer or as part of your journey to exploring and learning about your self.

I wish you all love and happiness and may you always believe in yourself and listen to your heart.

Namaste…..